Cool Beans Alert: This shirt was repeatedly featured on Fox’s TV show Raising Hope!
Whenever historians uncover some new bit of information about heroes of the past, it’s usually nothing we want to hear. This one kept slaves. That one had a passel of illegitimate children. Some other dude once slapped a nun. George Washington never chopped down any cherry tree and therefore never had an opportunity to be all sanctimonious about how he couldn’t tell a lie.
But wouldn’t it be great if scholars peered into the lives of your most beloved historic figures and discovered that they were even cooler than you thought? What if Franklin Roosevelt kicked ass at dominoes? Or Harriet Tubman built her own soapbox derby racers? Imagine if you opened the paper some morning and read a little item detailing that some prof at Temple had just found private letters detailing Elizabeth Cady Stanton’s lifelong search for the world’s greatest chili recipe?
People generally have pretty good things to say about Abraham Lincoln — all the things you learned in school, you know. But we at Glarkware feel that his legacy would be bolstered even further by evidence that, one day, during a walk in the woods, he came upon Bigfoot, and the two came to fisticuffs.
Who would win? Well, why not raise that question at your next History seminar? Trust us, your professor will love it. (If you’re already out of school, throw the topic open to the locals at your neighbourhood bar. We think the ensuing discussion will be just as stimulating.)