Human arrogance often leads us to anthropomorphize animals. The most ambitious of us write screenplays in which God’s normally mute creatures provide wry commentary on banal human activities, but none of us is really immune. We try to dictate our pets’ characters by giving them cute names. Sometimes, around the holidays, we even up the ante by putting them in human-ish costumes, so that we can take them around to our neighbours and crow, “Have you met my beagle, John Wayne? This Hallowe’en, he’s a Ghostbuster!”
The uncomfortable truth we seldom acknowledge is that we really have no idea what, if they were suddenly granted the gift of speech — or even just speech bubbles — what animals would say. Maybe chickens are brave. Maybe geese are perfectly sensible and not silly at all — and maybe horses are actually lacking in horse sense. Elephants could be as forgetful as your grandma. Mules might not be stubborn, but easygoing. Maybe if the Lord knew what assholes lambs actually are, he’d have chosen to describe his only begotten son as the “ocelot of God.”
It’s in this spirit that we offer one artist’s rendering of the secret attitude of the seemingly adorable, mild-mannered, herbivorous bunny. It might seem unlikely to you that a bunny enjoys bathing in the blood of its enemies — but you don’t know everything your bunny gets up to when you’re not putting pancakes on him and taking pictures to post on the internet.